Only Human
by LyricsArePoetry
Summary: Spirk - Jim's haunting by the past and Spock's there for him. T for violence


**I never thought I would feel as guilty about hurting Jim as I did writing this fic. I hope the ending makes up for it (you gotta love Spock, honest you do, and I totally want to be lying when Jim's lying at the beginning xD) R&R please! Ly'all Carly :D **

**Only Human**

Jim wrapped his arms tighter around Spock. They had been lying on his bed for hours and by this point Spock was already asleep. It was the middle of the night and Jim knew that he should also be asleep but sleep wouldn't come. Spock's arm was around Jim and Jim's head was rested on Spock's bare chest. They were light-years away from earth. Jim knew he was safe and no only that he knew he was the captain of a starship. He had to keep it together. He felt pathetic lying there terrified because of things that had happened years ago. He couldn't fight the flashbacks though.

_Frank made a fist at his side and Jim froze. He was 10 years old and the thing he feared the most was in front of him and angry. Jim closed his eyes tightly as Frank came towards him. He kept his eyes shut as Frank's fist made contact with his stomach. Hard as he tried to he couldn't stop the cry of pain that slipped out of his mouth. Frank only laughed at that, Jim couldn't understand why Frank hated him so much. He tried really really hard to be good, he really did._

'_This'll teach you to disobey me' Frank hissed, hitting Jim again. 'You little brat, you've got to learn that when your mother is off planet I am in charge' simultaneously with "I" Frank pushed Jim into a cupboard._

'_I'm sorry' he cried desperately._

'_You're sorry what?'_

'_I'm sorry Uncle Frank' Jim repeated, finally feeling brave enough to open his eyes. Frank was towering over him, staring down at him anger most obvious in Frank's eyes. Jim realised he was cowering slightly and slowly stood up straight. _

'_So you should be' Frank said. He grabbed Jim's small wrist and pulled him away from the cupboard before pushing him towards the door. 'Now get out of my sight'_

_Jim didn't need to be told twice, he got to his feet and hurried out of the room._

Jim blinked a couple of times, bringing himself back to the present. Had he been asleep he may've been able to understand the flashback, everyone has nightmares. But he wasn't asleep, he was wide awake. He opened his eyes as widely as he could and tried to focus on the here and now and what was real. In the darkness of the room it was hard to see anything. Jim looked up to the ceiling and all that was visible was the faint patterning and nothing more.

_What's your problem now?' Frank asked impatiently. He was glaring at the 5 year old Jim who was sat on his bed looking at the bedroom door._

'_I don't like the dark' Jim said softly._

'_Aww poor little James' Frank said. When he continued his voice sounded sincere. 'So would you like me to keep the door open a bit so the light comes in?'_

_Jim looked up at Frank and nodded 'Uh huh' he said._

'_Tough' Frank replied and walked out, slamming the door behind him._

_The sound of the slam caused Jim to jolt physically and left him shaking and crying for sometime afterwards._

Jim ran his fingers along Spock's chest, feeling the warmth of the Vulcan's body next to him. He looked up at Spock's face, in the darkness he could only make out the edges but he could tell that even in his sleep Spock showed no emotion. Jim wondered how Spock did it; he was always perfectly fine even after everything that had happened. Even after Vulcan. Jim wished he could be perfectly fine as well and just forget Frank. He wished he could just escape it all.

'_What's your name?' The officer asked him._

'_James Tiberius Kirk' Jim replied, he was 16. He had more pride in his name than he did in anything else in the world. By this point in his life Jim had had enough. His Mother was rarely on earth and Frank seemed to think he was a toy to be used and abused. He had snuck out late the night before only to be found by cops the next morning. 'It's Jim though'_

'_Well Jim, do you know that your step-father is frantic?' the officer asked. Jim highly doubted that. 'Hop in and I'll take you home'_

'_I haven't got a home' Jim replied._

'_Don't be silly now; your step-father has had us looking for you. He's really worried' the officer said. Jim could tell the officer was a decent bloke if not a little patronising and naïve. Jim wondered about telling him why he didn't classifying home as home, but decided against it. It would cause a million more problems which was exactly what he didn't need. He stood up and got in the back of the police car, staying silent for the whole journey._

'_Jim!' Frank ran up to him and hugged him tight when they got there. 'Never do that to me again' All for show Jim knew 'Thank you officer' Frank added and took Jim inside._

_As soon as the front door was shut and the police car had pulled away Frank turned to Jim. Jim tried to run into a different room but Frank grabbed hold of him 'I mean it' Frank hissed 'never do that again. You have no idea how worried I was'_

'_Yeah, worried I'd actually get away and Mom would find out what you're really like' Jim retorted, pulling out of Frank's grip._

'_Don't get smart with me, brat' Frank said and slapped Jim hard across the face._

'_Mom should know, Mom should've been told years ago' Jim said. He looked Frank square in the eyes 'I'm going to tell her'_

'_Don't you dare' Frank warned. 'You tell Winona and I'll kill you'_

_The look of hatred in Frank's eyes had Jim terrified. He found himself frozen in a way that he hadn't been for years. He'd never spoke up against Frank before and as Frank undid his belt Jim regretted doing so now. Every sensible thought told him to run but he couldn't seem to get his legs to cooperate. _

'_You don't even move' Frank said, pulling the belt out of his trousers 'because you know you've had this coming'_

_As Frank rose the belt Jim came to his senses and turned to run. He had only just turned and made one step when Frank's belt came down, the buckle hitting his back so hard that he was knocked forward. The sharp pain in his back caused Jim to scream. The buckle cut just to the left of his spine before moving away from him. Jim could barely move through the pain of it. _

'_Now' Frank kneeled down next to Jim, smiling thinly 'Do you still want to tell Mommy about big bad Uncle Frank?' _

_Jim was shaking so much he couldn't speak but he managed to shake his head. Frank wouldn't take it as an answer though. Frank pushed his finger into Jim's back directly on the cut, it was all Jim could do not to scream again._

'_Well do you?' Frank shouted in Jim's ear._

'_N-no' Jim stuttered._

'_Good boy' Frank said before walking away, leaving Jim on the hallway floor unable to move through pain and fear._

Jim buried his head into Spock's chest; he couldn't stop the tears that were now falling onto Spock. Jim was shaking violently and clinging to Spock the way he had to a teddy as a child.

The movement caused Spock to stir. He opened his eyes and sad Jim.

'Jim' Spock whispered but Jim didn't seem to hear. Spock started to sit up.

'No' Jim said, Spock had never heard the arrogant younger man sounding so desperate before. 'Don't go'

'I am not going anywhere' Spock replied 'I was simply rising to attract your attention. What is wrong, Jim?'

Jim shook his head not wanted to answer. He had never told anyone, he had always been too scared to even all these years later or he had just wanted to forget about it. He hadn't thought about it for years, not since before he joined Starfleet. He couldn't understand why it had come back to his mind now.

'Jim you are shaking and crying in the middle of the night' Spock said, sitting up properly and gently pulling Jim up with him. 'Something must be wrong'

Jim shook his head again. 'I can't' he said almost silently. He wiped his eyes, moving even closer to Spock.

'I might be able to help' Spock offered, 'but I can not help if I do not know'

'How do you do it, Spock?' Jim asked 'How do you go through something as life shattering as losing your planet and then go on as normal. I have been through so much less than you and I'm a mess but you're perfectly fine'

'What have you been through, Jim?' Spock asked 'and to answer your question I am trained in the Vulcan ways'

Jim closed his eyes 'I've never told anyone' he said 'Not even my Mom. Especially not my Mom. It's pathetic, I'm being pathetic. It ended years ago, I should be over it. I thought I was over it. He always said I would never be anything and I proved him wrong. I was ok, everything was ok. Everything was great so why is it coming back now? Why now? Everything is great, why now?'

'Jim' Spock said, stopping Jim as he started shaking again 'What has come back now?'

Jim opened his eyes again but he didn't look at anything in particular. 'My step-father hated me' his heart was beating hard as he spoke 'He… He… Mom was off-world a lot as I was growing up. F-F-Frank liked to make sure I knew he was in charge. If he didn't like something I did he'd… he'd…'

'He'd hit you?' Spock asked.

Jim nodded 'Yeah.' Neither of them spoke for a moment, Spock's silence gave Jim the option to continue and after a long silence he did. 'He always used his fist. He said a true man didn't rely on a weapon; a true man could fight on his own. Every time he used his fists except once' Jim stared straight ahead, looking at the wall on the other side of the room 'When he him me with his belt buckle he told me he'd kill me if I told my Mom' Jim shuddered and Spock put his arm tighter around Jim 'I've never been so scared in my life. Nothing anyone up here in space says or does to me could ever scare me as much as he did then and still does'

'Jim he can't hurt you anymore' Spock said, his monotonous voice appeared gentle.

'I know' Jim replied. 'I do know and like I said I'm being pathetic. I should be over it by now. The scars faded, it took a few of years for the scar on my back from the buckle to go but it went. It's all gone; I should grow up and get over it'

'You're only human, Jim' Spock said 'You're being far too harsh on yourself. The past haunts a lot of people, there's nothing pathetic about it. The way your step-father treated you was wrong and no one who hasn't been there can understand how you felt or feel but it would seem to make sense that you would be haunted by it'

'But he's light-years away' Jim said. 'He can't get to me now, he can't touch me now. The only thing that's causing it to be a problem is me still thinking about it'

'You are right Jim, he can't touch you now but from I understand of humans there is a different between being able to get to you and being able to touch you.' Spock replied. 'As a human, emotions are a big part of you and that causes you to be scared and effected by it. It's perfectly normal that a terrifying past wouldn't just be forgotten. But Jim you know he can't hurt you now, hold on to that' Spock kissed Jim softly 'Even if he was here I wouldn't let him anywhere near you alive'

Jim laughed despite everything 'Is murder really logical Spock?' he asked.

'One can make an exception to logic' Spock replied.

'I never thought that day would come' Jim said and kissed Spock again. The kisses got deeper and deeper. It was more for comfort than anything else, Jim was glad to have Spock there. For the first time in his life he felt like someone truly understood him, he truly felt safe. And for the first time in his life without being told to or feeling like he had to, he said three words because he wanted to and meant it 'I love you' he whispered.

'And I you' Spock replied and finally Jim into a soft unhaunted sleep.


End file.
